this is my family. we found each other. we may be broken and small but we're good.

sorting things out in my head as usual. also, apologies for terrible typos in the last post. i am too lazy to change them.

smoking/not smoking. well, i started in october, and quit in february, and, well, have reached the conclusion that i have quit smoking ALL THE TIME EVER and am just gonna smoke once in a while, when it's a better idea to smoke than to lose my brain off the back of a truck. once or twice a week. i'll decide later if i'm gonna quit for real or start for real, or add/modify/delete myself into whichever sort of relationship with smoking that i'll find myself in next. i've been cranky but not super aggro. and the urges to fill my body with delicious carcinogens hasn't been that strong. i think it's all the beer and adventure. and parenting and adventure. adventure keeps me sane. (so does the sleep that sometimes comes in spite of adventures until i need to hole up and hibernate with the kid when she's sick.)

sick kid. check. chicken pox. yeah, i said it. chicken pox. she's doing really well. not much fever, lots and lots of baking soda baths and soothing lotions. her pox aren't as bad as i was afraid they'd be, we're just at ALL CUDDLES ALL THE TIMEZ and having snacks everywhere in the house and lots of juice and soup. The problem with this is that she has no appetite. even the pears we got from friends in exchange for the pear sauce we canned last summer didn't get eaten all the way through. I'm almost certain that this is the first time since popping her out that she hasn't had a constant, unsatiable appetite. unsettling. well, a few more days of non stop cuddles sounds about the right prescription.

I'm taking the opportunity of this paragraph to point out how awesome my kid is.  Today is international women's day. a day i've always really enjoyed, and enjoyed watching other people enjoy, but feel a bit distanced from, because i feel a bit distanced from being a woman. i know that that makes no sense and i've 'got shit to work on' etc. but the thing is, that i just haven't ever been able to completely identify as female. I told my mom as much when i was in grade 5 or 6 and she was pretty mad, and i didn't really care. imagine everyone's surprise when my kid starts to talk and almost every game that she comes up to is hyper-gendered and all about being GIRL GIRL GIRL. I've felt a lot of discomfort and twitch on this one, and have spent a lot of time trying to figure it out. As with most things, I've come to the conclusion that i will not ever consciously denigrate her or the things she cares about. so instead, when she's all talking about how great girls are, and how everything she likes is a girl, i say "fuck yeah!" (maybe with other words) 'cause girls ARE fucking awesome! but when she says 'mama's a girl' i'll mention that there genders other than 'girl' and 'boy' and that her mama isn't exactly a girl, or when she asks if someone's a girl or a boy  i ask her to ask them.  if anyone has any tips send 'em my way. I wrote a bunch more after this, but it didn't make sense, nor did i have any clue what i was talking about, so i stopped.

and now i'll stop for the night, 'cause i've got the last few pages of 'the amber spyglass' waiting for me.