Today was an angry day. You can tell because i didn't have much to say. When i'm ranting and raving it means i'm ok, or alright or even STOKED! when i have nothing to say, i want to explode and know that i can't, or i can't just yet, or i need to make sure that the explosion is going n the most appropriate direction first.
I'm not sure when or why i stopped just exploding on whatever was in the way. I think it was a good switch, hmmm. maybe i even know it was. sometimes i miss having the ability to let all of my anger thrash out. I don't miss the parts that i couldn't control, but i do miss being able to let it do that without having to process half of it away first and being left in a constant flight response until then.
It was a weird weekend and I was hanging out, hoping to see a friend and heard that George was on his way down. so i left, 'cause .. well, when i hafta go, i REALLY hafta go. and sometimes it just isn't time to overshadow what's going on with my friends with what's going on with my shit. The people who know that George sexually assaulted me were really confused about why I left, especially after he agreed not to show up after all. Suffice it to say that i was in no condition to be there. Not because I would have tensed other people up, but because it would have hurt me, possibly. maybe another time and place i would have stayed and let myself get the support from my community that deep down i know i need although i keep denying it, but not there and not then. I'm real confused. I spent the night dreaming about dismantling walls around playgrounds and running into George and having him tell me stuff about how, y'know, he CARES about me, and he's CONCERNED because i just don't 'understand the situation' and that what happened isn't what happened, i'm just remembering it wrong and he'd like to support me so that i can get it RIGHT, because what happened really wasn't a big deal and i had to let it go and forgive him or else I'd be a worse person for it.
Fuck. That. man, even in my dream i knew it was bullshit. I guess that means that I really have gotten untied from his shit. well, here's to hoping. it's only a matter of time before we're face to face and i have to make sure i don't listen to a goddamn word he says.
So, it's springtime now, even though you wouldn't be able to tell if you went for a walk, and I'm going to listen to some sad music and clean ALL THE THINGS and get rid of some shit and let myself be ok and sit with this anger and let it help me decide what i want.
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