two days back to work since the end of the radventure that blew me apart and watched as i stitched myself together in newer and braver ways.
work, hey? what's this thing? For the record, I like my job. i even love it, in certain ways. the job itself, as it seems to be intended is terrible and oppressive and masquerading as some sort of social betterment, when really the only way things can get better is if society eats itself and my dudes can go find themselves some real goddamn community that doesn't "feel good" about "helping them out" but sees them as people, exactly like themselves, who want things and love things and fuck with the dominant paradigm just by being alive. so i spend my days hanging with my people and doing the paperwork i gotta do and try not to let it touch me or them too much. it teaches me a lot of things. They're usually the same things that kids and traveling and unfucking myself teach me. Over and over and over again 'cause i take my time like that.
1. I don't know what's best for anyone but myself. And I gotta do that and support everyone around me in doing what's best for them, or at least not being a barrier to them fucking up and figuring out what that is. whenever possible. y'know,
2. The job of the party secretary is best done by whoever is awake/sober/decisive enough to say "ok, here's my plan. join me if you want, and if not, do what you want, and i'll be here when yr ready done what you gotta do."
3. It's ALWAYS time to play. ALWAYS. And if it isn't, then you'd better stop what yr doing and play anyway, or you'll find yourself devolving.
4. Everything is better when you do it yrself. Encouraging people to make their own decisions for their own lives, building things and fucking up and taking the time to learn shit that way, letting yr kids make all of the decisions that they are able to/want to, make mistakes and let other people make as many as they need to too. If you can't let go and let the people around you do this, don't be surprised when eyes start rolling and someone loudly and sarcastically drawls "...Cool, Dad..." and promptly stops listening to you. It's time you weren't listened to anymore.
other than that, i dunno. I need a nap. The kidlet decided that 3 am was a good time to wake up and eat cereal and a banana. fuck that shit. i'm going to sleep with 'em at 7pm tonight.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Back at it, dirty and restless
Here we go again. shit got fuckt a little bit back there and for whatever reason i ran from blogging. time to catch back up again.
Since then I've been feeling out the world around me and trying to see what sticks. I'm still doing that, and exploring things, and figuring out who's my friend and who's just trying to tie me up in the strings connecting our hearts together. A big part of that was kicking george the fuck outta my life, and my kid's life. he didn't really want to have her in his life anyway, and i'm not sure what his intentions were with me, but i'm not going to worry too much about that, just gonna make sure that no one gets that close without some serious vouch from my friends again.
Not that I'm very good at listening to advice from anyone anyway.
currently, i'm trying to find the balance between the parts of me that will never stop being a travelling punk and the parts of me that are a mama and a person who wants to feed all her friends. "who's worrying about you babe when you're wild'n out, running around on these streets?" is a phrase that comes to mind a lot where i am in the imbalance. Yeah, I got people looking out for me, and yeah, I'm looking out for a lot of people. For some reason I feel the need to pick one or the other side of that coin to be on. Went on a week long adventure surrounded by water and mountains and cities and farms and deserts and pals. the thing that strikes me the most about it now is that the whole time, the three of us were taking on those roles with each other in all of their permutations. Coming back to the city that hates me has been kind of hard, although getting a full week with the kidlet after a week away is AMAZING. The bubble has burst. goddamnit, i LIKE that bubble. although there tends to be a bit more whiskey fuelled ramblings about the past in there, on my part, than i'm entirely comfortable with. At least I know when I'm about to talk too much, even to the people I've learned that I should probably trust exactly as much as I do.
I've been between generations around here for as long as I've known. everyone my age moved, then everyone near my age moved. then they moved again. and my crew is getting more and more disparate even in this city. i guess the good part is that my crew is also getting more and more diverse and it keeps the bubble from swallowing me up completely. goddamnit, i want a bubble though. There will be a new house in july, i hope, that the people with whom i've created a pretty strong bubble will reside in with the kidlet and i. i'm scared and excited. I've enjoyed living alone, although some days i just go batshitfuckingnuts and wonder if i'm not really just a big ball of codependence in disguise.
Be gentle to yrself, be gentle to yrself. I've heard a lot of stories lately, about and from people who have had some pretty crazy times the way i did when i was a kid, and how whatever age they were when shit started going down, is the age that, when their kids get to it, they have to work their asses off just to survive and get outta bed in the morning. i'm really banking on that one. there's hope in it, that in another 3 months I'll have my head and heart on a bit straighter and be able to navigate with a bit more clarity.
here's to hoping.
no matter what, at the end of the day, I really love a lot, and i've got a lot of love around me. and the shit we pulled when we were kids and the shit we're gonna pull now and later is just that. i'm not gonna judge people by actions, but by heart. I want to make sure that they can do the same with me.
also, cuddles are one thing. wait, no, cuddles are many things, and making out with people is a whole other thing. and i think i have another 3 months before i really wanna start making out with anyone either. cuddles are better, really, anyway. Although completely unexpected manic kissing in drunken tension-filled alleyways is rad, they probably shouldn't be followed up on with any regularity. cause that shit kinda makes me twitch. hope nobody's watching too closely while i stop myself from building a forever in my brain that my heart would rather just say "always" to.
Since then I've been feeling out the world around me and trying to see what sticks. I'm still doing that, and exploring things, and figuring out who's my friend and who's just trying to tie me up in the strings connecting our hearts together. A big part of that was kicking george the fuck outta my life, and my kid's life. he didn't really want to have her in his life anyway, and i'm not sure what his intentions were with me, but i'm not going to worry too much about that, just gonna make sure that no one gets that close without some serious vouch from my friends again.
Not that I'm very good at listening to advice from anyone anyway.
currently, i'm trying to find the balance between the parts of me that will never stop being a travelling punk and the parts of me that are a mama and a person who wants to feed all her friends. "who's worrying about you babe when you're wild'n out, running around on these streets?" is a phrase that comes to mind a lot where i am in the imbalance. Yeah, I got people looking out for me, and yeah, I'm looking out for a lot of people. For some reason I feel the need to pick one or the other side of that coin to be on. Went on a week long adventure surrounded by water and mountains and cities and farms and deserts and pals. the thing that strikes me the most about it now is that the whole time, the three of us were taking on those roles with each other in all of their permutations. Coming back to the city that hates me has been kind of hard, although getting a full week with the kidlet after a week away is AMAZING. The bubble has burst. goddamnit, i LIKE that bubble. although there tends to be a bit more whiskey fuelled ramblings about the past in there, on my part, than i'm entirely comfortable with. At least I know when I'm about to talk too much, even to the people I've learned that I should probably trust exactly as much as I do.
I've been between generations around here for as long as I've known. everyone my age moved, then everyone near my age moved. then they moved again. and my crew is getting more and more disparate even in this city. i guess the good part is that my crew is also getting more and more diverse and it keeps the bubble from swallowing me up completely. goddamnit, i want a bubble though. There will be a new house in july, i hope, that the people with whom i've created a pretty strong bubble will reside in with the kidlet and i. i'm scared and excited. I've enjoyed living alone, although some days i just go batshitfuckingnuts and wonder if i'm not really just a big ball of codependence in disguise.
Be gentle to yrself, be gentle to yrself. I've heard a lot of stories lately, about and from people who have had some pretty crazy times the way i did when i was a kid, and how whatever age they were when shit started going down, is the age that, when their kids get to it, they have to work their asses off just to survive and get outta bed in the morning. i'm really banking on that one. there's hope in it, that in another 3 months I'll have my head and heart on a bit straighter and be able to navigate with a bit more clarity.
here's to hoping.
no matter what, at the end of the day, I really love a lot, and i've got a lot of love around me. and the shit we pulled when we were kids and the shit we're gonna pull now and later is just that. i'm not gonna judge people by actions, but by heart. I want to make sure that they can do the same with me.
also, cuddles are one thing. wait, no, cuddles are many things, and making out with people is a whole other thing. and i think i have another 3 months before i really wanna start making out with anyone either. cuddles are better, really, anyway. Although completely unexpected manic kissing in drunken tension-filled alleyways is rad, they probably shouldn't be followed up on with any regularity. cause that shit kinda makes me twitch. hope nobody's watching too closely while i stop myself from building a forever in my brain that my heart would rather just say "always" to.
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