Back at it, dirty and restless

Here we go again. shit got fuckt a little bit back there and for whatever reason i ran from blogging. time to catch back up again.


Since then I've been feeling out the world around me and trying to see what sticks. I'm still doing that, and exploring things, and figuring out who's my friend and who's just trying to tie me up in the strings connecting our hearts together. A big part of that was kicking george the fuck outta my life, and my kid's life. he didn't really want to have  her in his life anyway, and i'm not sure what his intentions were with me, but i'm not going to worry too much about that, just gonna make sure that no one gets that close without some serious vouch from my friends again.


Not that I'm very good at listening to advice from anyone anyway.

currently, i'm trying to find the balance between the parts of me that will never stop being a travelling punk and the parts of me that are a mama and a person who wants to feed all her friends. "who's worrying about you babe when you're wild'n out, running around on these streets?" is a phrase that comes to mind a lot where i am in the imbalance. Yeah, I got people looking out for me, and yeah, I'm looking out for a lot of people. For some reason I feel the need to pick one or the other side of that coin to be on. Went on a week long adventure surrounded by water and mountains and cities and farms and deserts and pals. the thing that strikes me the most about it now is that the whole time, the three of us were taking on those roles with each other in all of their permutations. Coming back to the city that hates me has been kind of hard, although getting a full week with the kidlet after a week away is AMAZING. The bubble has burst. goddamnit, i LIKE that bubble. although there tends to be a bit more whiskey fuelled ramblings about the past in there, on my part, than i'm entirely comfortable with. At least I know when I'm about to talk too much, even to the people I've learned that I should probably trust exactly as much as I do.

I've been between generations around here for as long as I've known. everyone my age moved, then everyone near my age moved. then they moved again. and my crew is getting more and more disparate even in this city. i guess the good part is that my crew is also getting more and more diverse and it keeps the bubble from swallowing me up completely. goddamnit, i want a bubble though. There will be a new house in july, i hope, that the people with whom i've created a pretty strong bubble will reside in with the kidlet and i. i'm scared and excited. I've enjoyed living alone, although some days i just go batshitfuckingnuts and wonder if i'm not really just a big ball of codependence in disguise.

Be gentle to yrself, be gentle to yrself. I've heard a lot of stories lately, about and from people who have had some pretty crazy times the way i did when i was a kid, and how whatever age they were when shit started going down, is the age that, when their kids get to it, they have to work their asses off just to survive and get outta bed in the morning. i'm really banking on that one. there's hope in it, that in another 3 months I'll have my head and heart on a bit straighter and be able to navigate with a bit more clarity.

here's to hoping.

no matter what, at the end of the day, I really love a lot, and i've got a lot of love around me. and the shit we pulled when we were kids and the shit we're gonna pull now and later is just that. i'm not gonna judge people by actions, but by heart. I want to make sure that they can do the same with me.

also, cuddles are one thing. wait, no, cuddles are many things, and making out with people is a whole other thing. and i think i have another 3 months before i really wanna start making out with anyone either. cuddles are better, really, anyway. Although completely unexpected manic kissing in drunken tension-filled alleyways is rad, they probably shouldn't be followed up on with any regularity. cause that shit kinda makes me twitch. hope nobody's watching too closely while i stop myself from building a forever in my brain that my heart would rather just say "always" to.