For one: the word Cunt is officially out of my vocabulary as of today.
For two: i like DOING STUFF and MAKING THINGS. and sometimes even going to bed when I'm already half asleep after yet another weekend of anarchy scouts (complete with bottle drive. ha!) and chatting with feral pals about how neither one of us know anything about adoption and feel real weird about it, but know that it doesn't pertain to us so maybe we just have to leave judgement outta that even though it makes us twitch (no, not thinking of adopting, it's just a theme that has come up a lot lately for whatever reason things come up.) The theme of gender and sexual orientation has come up a lot with us too. I can speak for myself and say this: I have a lot of goddamn privilege here, and i hide behind it.
I've been told by my family all of my life that i'm a lesbian, not in a way that they had any reason to assume my sexuality, but in the way that one might use the term as a slur because i didn't fit the gender norm, and i didn't care about a lot of things that they felt i was supposed to care about, and that i hated the fact that every time i started being friends with a dude he'd just wanna date me and i'd never really get to the "hey! we're pals and hang out and do shit and it's all good" parts. I always assumed that i could go through life and be treated "as a male" because that's how i approached situations. clearly i was wrong, and still am. Subcultural markers have helped with that, completely absconding with "sexualizing" my body in any way by conforming to the whole "if you don't dress sexy people won't treat you as a sex object" shit. (which, for the record, i fight myself on daily. i know it's bullshit. I've lived it's bullshit, but still somewhere in my heart i still hate the fact that i have a body that people will sexualize and i internalize that instead of confronting it.) So i've been wading through a lot of this and wonder if my identifying as genderqueer is all wrapped up in that. Like if i'm some sort of hurtful poser because women in my mind are sexualized and men aren't and that's why i'm uncomfortable being seen as female? real confused. I know that i've known i wasn't a boy or a girl since i've had the developmental ability to remember thoughts and feelings but i can't help but pick myself apart a bit on that.
Another piece, is the whole LIKING ALL THE BODIES piece. I mean, the bits a person has don't start the context for being attracted to them. Which isn't confusing at all for me. I really love the people that i love, and some of them i love in the way that sometimes we cuddle, and others sometimes we kiss, and others sometimes we do ALL THE THINGS. and others we've never touched at all. So i hid behind the official-relationships with male bodies, and secret crushes and flirtations with female bodies. These days everything is pretty much out there as much as anything else. I'm still confused all the time and wonder a lot about how fuckt my head is that although i can't have intercourse with a male body right now it's easier to admit to myself and others to being attracted to them than being upfront about being really attracted to/having relationships of whatever stripe with friends with female bodies and being comfortable and feeling safe having sex-by-anyone's-standards with them. Then again, that's likely mostly to do with the workmate-love more than the fact that she's a she. Now i'm just picking myself apart i think.
Maybe it's been too long since i had someone tell me every little thing that was wrong with me and now i'm doing it to myself because i don't know how to handle just being gentle with my Self. who knows. I think it's time to make some burdock tea and saw some boards into dominoes and finally clean that damn silk screen emulsion off and clean up the house before Julie comes back tomorrow so the kidlet can mess it up good and proper on her own terms while pirate-queen-ing around the place.
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